hurt

There is this song by nine inch nails called Hurt. It's the most depressing song that I've heard in a long time. It reminded me of this guy I met the other day. The song is about the inability to let go of things, things of the past that just fuck us up inside. Things that have happened that you just can't let go off.
And so you live life smiling, and having a good time, yet somewhere deep inside, your disease grows. It likes to surface on people you love the most. They are the ones who pay the price for loving you. Because it is so easy to hurt the person who loves you at an entirety. I don't know why I do this.  I bottle so much inside my chest, because I can't forget, because I can't let go, because it's easier to throw up all my anger out, than to actually look at the problem in the face. Yet I've seen the problem dissolve, and evolve, and then vanish for a while, but it always comes back to haunt me. I can't let go...just can't let go...I don't know how to...
I wish I could change the past, makes things right. But I just can't. There goes that word again, fucking can't. I hate it when people think they know what is best for you, yet you've never really told them what is bothering you. "Yes you can...just try...you won't know unless you try"...- fuck off-
You know how it has been said by people in real life, or I guess mostly in movies...the famous saying, "with time, everything heals"- No it doesn't, they lie- it gets harder.
I'm trying god damm it, I'm trying! But it's not enough, I let my emotions run my life at times, and if I keep doing this, I am really going to end up alone.
Tonight, life really sucks. I really hate it when people say that they are fucked up, and end their lines or their conversations with: "yeah but I know I will be alright...don't worry". Liars. They want pity.
I ran three miles today, I almost gave up because my lungs were giving out. I kept going, thinking I have to keep going, gotta reach the bridge, gotta keep going! I ran to the globe and while running, he reached for my hand, and for a few seconds there I felt so sure of life, and that made me feel so happy.

Hospital

This morning I woke rather late because my room seems to be haunted. Last night I woke up at 2:30am because I heard a noise from my desk. On my desk I have a small jewellery box that has two little doors. I never leave the doors open, and last night one of the doors were opened. Who opened the little door? It wasn't me, my door is locked, and honestly it freaked me out!! That fucker ghost!! 

Later I went to the hospital, such a fucked up place really...people are dying left and right..and honestly at the middle of my volunteering hours, all I wanted is coffee. Isn't that really fucked up? There are nurses that really do care, and then there are nurses that are soo numb to the job, all they really want is to go home and have a drink or two. I understand it's a hard job. 

I had a great time helping people though, I really enjoyed myself talking to patients...exchanging stories or outer body experiences...well not mine but my mother. When she was giving birth to me, she lost a lot of blood due to the inexperience Moran intern that cut my mother the wrong way, and she almost half her blood supply. She told me she was dying...she saw herself float out of her own body, and saw her body being worked on my a staff of nurses and doctors. They saved her, and they saved  me. Thank you!! haha...So the patient that I was speaking to, told me her experience which is similar to my mother's except she said that she felt someone push her back into her body.  Such a weird experience, to almost die. I really do wonder where one goes? Maybe death is really the beginning? We go into another life form...and everyone who has died is living..really living...and they wait for us. 

I want to be greeted by my dog Moma, and my mother one day. I want to finally meet Jesus and just ask him one thing, "why?" He knows what I am asking. 

Leaving the hospital it felt weird...I liked it. 

A friend that I used to know, who is no longer my friends for what seems 5 to 6 years, wants to be my friend on facebook. I look at pictures of her and boyfriend. I am surprised she has a boyfriend, but I am happy that she found someone.  I have mixed feelings towards her, I do not want to have her in my future, for the past was full of distrustfulness, and insecurities. I don't know. 

So many things happen so fast, and I have to catch up with them. 

Fuckness we are...we are messed up creatures...just waiting for things to be good again, just to fuck them up all over again..intentionally, unintentionally, naturally, and stupidly recurrently.