hurt

There is this song by nine inch nails called Hurt. It's the most depressing song that I've heard in a long time. It reminded me of this guy I met the other day. The song is about the inability to let go of things, things of the past that just fuck us up inside. Things that have happened that you just can't let go off.
And so you live life smiling, and having a good time, yet somewhere deep inside, your disease grows. It likes to surface on people you love the most. They are the ones who pay the price for loving you. Because it is so easy to hurt the person who loves you at an entirety. I don't know why I do this.  I bottle so much inside my chest, because I can't forget, because I can't let go, because it's easier to throw up all my anger out, than to actually look at the problem in the face. Yet I've seen the problem dissolve, and evolve, and then vanish for a while, but it always comes back to haunt me. I can't let go...just can't let go...I don't know how to...
I wish I could change the past, makes things right. But I just can't. There goes that word again, fucking can't. I hate it when people think they know what is best for you, yet you've never really told them what is bothering you. "Yes you can...just try...you won't know unless you try"...- fuck off-
You know how it has been said by people in real life, or I guess mostly in movies...the famous saying, "with time, everything heals"- No it doesn't, they lie- it gets harder.
I'm trying god damm it, I'm trying! But it's not enough, I let my emotions run my life at times, and if I keep doing this, I am really going to end up alone.
Tonight, life really sucks. I really hate it when people say that they are fucked up, and end their lines or their conversations with: "yeah but I know I will be alright...don't worry". Liars. They want pity.
I ran three miles today, I almost gave up because my lungs were giving out. I kept going, thinking I have to keep going, gotta reach the bridge, gotta keep going! I ran to the globe and while running, he reached for my hand, and for a few seconds there I felt so sure of life, and that made me feel so happy.